I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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