I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
