I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
