I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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