I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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