he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
