If that was your dad, he is hot
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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