I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
