$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
