I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
