Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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