Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
