Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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