I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
