I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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