I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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