Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
