Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
