If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
