the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
