My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
