So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
