i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
