The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
