the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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