i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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