i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
