Swine flu. Run for my life!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
