im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
