Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
