the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
