just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
