My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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