Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
