I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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