I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
