i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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