I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
