and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
