Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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