Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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