This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
