Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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