just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
