look no pants
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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