I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
