How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
