11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
