I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
FUCK WHALES
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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