apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
