Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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