I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
