Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
